I hate you, "I Love You, Beth Cooper"

“I Love You, Beth Cooper” may be the funniest book I have ever read.

The movie? Not so much.

The author, Larry Doyle, also wrote the screenplay. So that isn’t the problem.

It’s amazing how important to a movie good acting and direction are.

Physical comedy is hard -- much harder than it looks. At best, it requires a sublimely talented athlete, someone who uses grace and strength to represent an absence of grace and strength -- I’m thinking a Chaplin here, or a Keaton. Peter Sellers could do it, too.

But simply running around frantically and making funny noises does not constitute physical comedy, especially when (it needn’t be said) the funny noises aren’t funny. And in “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” it isn’t just that the actors are not capable of performing the comedy, it is also that the director hasn’t got a funny bone in his body.

Not even his funny bone is a funny bone.

The director is Chris Columbus, whose last funny movie was “Mrs. Doubtfire,” which came out in 1993 -- sixteen years ago. And that was only funny because he could turn the camera on Robin Williams in drag and let him go to town. Whatever he knew about comedy he has forgotten, and especially what he knew about comic pacing. Any comedian will tell you that pacing -- timing -- is the most important element in comedy.

In “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” the pacing is off; the jokes are too slow, but performed too frantically. And in Columbus’ leaden hands, every joke is emphasized about a half-step too much.

The story itself has potential (and, as mentioned, it makes a hilarious book). Nerd high school valedictorian Dennis makes the worst valedictory speech ever, using the platform to proclaim his love for the head cheerleader Beth, who barely knows he exists. This speech sets off what is supposed to be a wild night in which Dennis and his best friend Rich, along with Beth and her two best friends, go on a riotous spree of rowdy fun.

If only it worked that way on the screen.

The exceptionally miscast Paul Rust plays Dennis, and he tries so hard to make the character seem sympathetic that he only comes off as annoying. The object of his dreams, Beth, is played by the exceptionally miscast Hayden Panettiere, who is on the TV show “Heroes” and is definitely not ready for the big screen. As lightweight an actress as she is, she is even less successful as a comedienne.

The best friend, Rich, is played by Jack T. Carpenter. He makes Rust and Panettiere seem like the Marx Brothers in comparison.

The book is great, but as a movie, “I Love You, Beth Cooper” should have had its plug pulled. If you can’t get good actors and you can’t get a good director, don’t make the movie.